broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
