I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
