Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
