I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There's always time for handjobs
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
