someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You work out of a Hotel?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I pour the whiskey from now on
i out mim tonsoeep
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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