I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
