Your dad touched me again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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