I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
