i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
