I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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