apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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