Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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