Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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