Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
