Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
