I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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