I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
