I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
