I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
