I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
