I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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