The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
