I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I need a burrito and a hug.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
