Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
