i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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