She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
