The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
