my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
