I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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