I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
