Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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