This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
