you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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