I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
is wine microwaveable?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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