my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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