Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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