i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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