Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
two words: eviction party
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
