I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
