Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Oh god it's open bar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
