Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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