She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
