when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize