there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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