i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
