The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
