Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
