Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
