you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Randomize
