Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
