I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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