Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
