I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I need a beard to bite.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
