so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
