I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
